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(Okay, on with the show...)
Much Ado About Nothing
So hi there. My name is Zero Dean.
I was born in the tropical rainforests of South America and raised by monkeys. This might help explain a few things about me, but we'll get to that *later. (*Probably won't get to that later).
Actually, I was raised by humans in Maine (the lobster state — because it looks like a lobster claw, duh!). If you don't know much about geography — or you're from somewhere outside of the USA (I'm big in Argentina!) — Maine is the northeastern-most state in the USA.
What this means is that on a clear day, I could see *Europe from my roof.
*Ok, I've been told that it probably was not Europe that I saw, but I'm telling you, I had really awesome vision as a kid.
To prove that I was a kid once, here are some photos that I was told are me...
For what it's worth, I don't remember any of this — and quite frankly, this kid looks nothing like me!
Anyway, this is my "about me" page (you can tell it's mine because it has my name on it — Hey, just like my photos do!) — so I'm going to tell you a little about me and hope it doesn't bore you to tears... or whatever it is you do when you're, like, totally bored.
Personally, I don't cry when I'm bored — in fact, I don't really get bored — but obviously some people do get bored... and then they cry. I'm not sure what that's about.
Here we go...
It has been said, on occasion, that I am difficult to describe.
You know like, "Hi, this is my friend, Zero —". Aaaand already we come to a screeching halt. People always want to know if Zero is really my name — and if there's a story behind it — and if I have any brothers or sisters and if their names are One and Two. (If you really want to know, it's all right here .)
But 3 hours later, after the name thing, there's the:
"— Zero is a...um, er...he takes photos, he's a photographer (correct)...
(Correct. I had a photography studio in the Baltimore/DC area before moving to Los Angeles to play a supporting role in the entertainment industry: actor headshots, model portfolios . Smile! Now smile like you mean it!)
...but he's also a graphic designer (I'm not a "graphic designer", I'm a "2D/3D computer graphics artist" — I used to make art for video games like Rise of Nations and Red Dead Redemption)...
(Both earned Game of the Year honors, in 2004 and 2010. I specialized in modeling and texturing architecture and environments using software like 3D Studio Max, Maya, ZBrush, and Photoshop. I'm kind of a nerd that way — and other ways.)
(People think making games for a living means playing games for a living. Not exactly! You do play the games you make, but you also get to meet ALL THE BUGS, every last one, until the game ships — or, for modern games, until the first several patches.)
...a writer (I used to blog. Then I wrote a book . And that was sort of fun. So now I keep writing them. Publishing them is a different story!), a sponsored instructor (I used to get paid to learn software and then teach it to college students and faculty)...
(I spent a fortune bribing someone to let me do that, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!)
...entertainer (debatable), host (for parasites!? — Eeew!), life adventurer (true!), motivational doer (I try), guy-who-drives-around-the-country-doing-stuff (I definitely "do stuff ") ... and he was raised by monkeys..."
If you ask me, I think being "difficult to describe" is pretty awesome. To me, it means that I've succeeded in not being easily defined by "what I do for a living" or a particular activity I enjoy.
I never really wanted to be represented as just a "label" — of course, I don't think anyone ever does — except maybe "rocket scientists".
I mean, if I went through all the trouble of going to "Rocket Scientist School" (or whatever it's called), you can be pretty darn sure that I would want everyone to call me a rocket scientist...
"This is my friend, Zero. He's a rocket scientist." And I'd be all like, "It's true. I am. Thank you, Dr. Hawking!"
See, when you're a rocket scientist, you obviously hang out with other "rocket scientists" — because it's both funny and ironic. I can picture it now... "This is my friend Stephen Hawking. He's a 'rocket scientist', but not a rocket scientist, if you know what I mean!" — *crowd roars in laughter!* (geeks have a great sense of humor)
But sadly, I'm not a "rocket scientist". I'm not even a bottle rocket scientist. Or a scientist of any kind, really, but we're getting off the subject! So yeah — I think being difficult to sum up is a good thing — so that's something I try to maintain as a way of life.
And — TADA! — we're done.
That's all there is to know about me! Let's talk about my dog!
Meet Koti...
After years of wanting a dog but not having the space for one (my vanlife without a van phase), I finally got a full-sized cargo van (a RAM ProMaster) in late 2022, and in June 2023 I rescued Koti. He was estimated to be about a year old. Nobody knows his real birthday, so we celebrate his birthday and his adoption day on the same day. There's more to the story of why and when I adopted him, but I'll share that later. (Probably won't share it later — but I want to!)
Out adventuring with Koti, I hear the same five things over and over:
- "What kind of dog is that?"
- "That's a beautiful Chihuahua!"
- "He looks so happy!"
- "He's walking you!"
- "He has so much energy!"
After hearing numbers one and two on every hike, I finally had his DNA tested, about a year after I got him.
Turns out Koti is a Miniature Pinscher (50%) + Chimo mix (a Chimo is 50% Chihuahua + 50% American Eskimo Dog ). At 14 lbs, he has the personality and looks of a Miniature Pinscher, with a little weirdness thrown in for good measure. He just has a Chihuahua's coat color. And big radar dish ears. But for what it's worth, Chihuahuas are roughly half his size. He's the perfect size for vanlife, and the perfect adventure dog.
Yes, he's happy. Yes, he's walking me. You can follow our adventures at RSS & Follow.
That's it! Cue music! Roll credits! Show's over!
Post-Credits Scene
As far as I can tell, this is how you become difficult to describe...
1. Have a number for a name. Seriously. If you don't have a number for a name, get one! They rock! — Just don't pick one that's already taken! Like, for example, my name. You can't have it. Get your own!
Fortunately, you have a lot of other number-for-a-name options to choose from. Like seriously a lot! (Although much like the "dot com" domains, the single digits are going fast!)
2. Be fascinated by everything. (We were talking about how to become difficult to describe, if you forgot already). But come on, how could you not be fascinated by everything?
The world is amaze-ziiiiiiinnnng and there is always so much to learn! And learning if fun. (Ok, not everyone thinks learning is fun, but that's because not everyone has a healthy attitude about learning! Learning stuff is awesome!)
4. Don't be predictable. Like, just when they think they have you figured out, you...
Anyway... I should tell you that people will catch on to your "unpredictableness" and begin to predict that you will do unpredictable things and make unpredictable sandwiches decisions, but even so, they'll still be surprised by the outcome.
3. Oranges!!!! (see #4 above)
5. This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
There are two rules to success in life.
- Don't tell everyone everything you know.